Slow Fade

It all started out so simply, but I guess that's how most stories go.

There once was a christian man. He was a deacon and leader in his church. He lead Sunday School every week and always held hands with his wife. He treated his children with the most love and care that other kids wished he was their dad. He looked like he had it all together...

After a long morning working across from his secretary, his eyes kept trailing to her piercing green eyes. He couldn't help but notice the curl of blond hair that kept brushing her neck. He tried to look at the picture of his wife, that was sitting on his desk and to focus only on the task at hand.

Many days later, it only took one brush of the hand to help her out of a chair and he felt the fireworks spark between them. It didn't take long...until he slowly faded away...

She was raised in the church, had a great christian family. She'd become a Christan at a young age and was a leader in her youth group. She started dating his great guy. He made her feel in a way she'd never felt before. It started out so innocently. One day his hand accidentally crept a little farther up her leg than it should. Days later, sitting in the back of his truck, feeling his lips brush her neck, she could feel a tingle up her back that she'd never experienced before. It didn't take long...until she slowly faded away...


He was a sophomore in college and had never had a drink before. His friends convinced him to go to one party on New Year's Eve. "What will one party hurt?" he asked himself. As all of his friends had a beer to bring in the new year, he decided one drink couldn't hurt. It didn't take long...until he slowly faded away...

Weeks after she'd given birth to her third child, she could not shake the extra baby weight. She had gone to the gym, put herself on a strict diet and nothing was working. One week she got sick and lost 8 pounds and she began to think, maybe being sick was the trick to losing weight. After dinner one night she went to the bathroom, stuck her finger down her throat and realized that it didn't matter anymore what she had just eaten. It didn't take long...until she slowly faded away...

He had a nagging pain in his back. The doctor prescribed some really good pain medicine. The stress from work was becoming overwhelming. He started smoking just to take the edge off. When that didn't take away the pain, he started taking one more pain pill and then another and it didn't take long...until he slowly faded away...


After a week of sleeping on the couch because her husband was sick, she realized she kind of liked her space that sleeping in two different rooms gave. As weeks and months went by, she spent more time away while he was at home, she went to the book store and took a pottery class. She worked more and stayed at home less. Days would pass with only a few words between them. It didn't take long...until their marriage slowly faded away...

Alcoholics don't become that way over night. Adulterers don't wake up one day and think, "I think I'll cheat on my wife/husband today." People with eating disorders never start out a diet saying, "I hope I become anorexic." People addicted to drugs don't try to become dependant on something other than themselves. Teenagers don't have sex for the first time, hoping they will get pregnant. Marriages don't dissolve in a day and relationships don't crumble in just one moment. It is all the tiny moments in between leading up to the "big" moment that bring us to that point. It only takes one time for you to talk yourself into doing something or that something is "OK" when normally you wouldn't think so. The next time you'll lower your guard even farther and little by little, before you know it, everything you ever stood for or was ever important to you....has slowly faded away...



Slow Fade by Casting Crowns
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow


It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray


It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day


Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me Monday, the day I share all the things I Most Certainly Did Not Do over the last week! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I was not resentful that I had to spend my three day weekend last week with three sick kids with 102 temperatures, instead of enjoying my husbands time off of work. And I did not feel about two inches tall when he reminded me what a blessing it was that he was off of work to help me.

I did not want to scream and promise that I'd never go back to the pediatricians office. Ever. All this after they prescribed a medicine that has horrible known side effects in children under two-and I was never given a warning before giving it to him, only to have those side effects-effect him and scare me. Half To Death. (see post below for details).

I did not COMPLETELY LOSE IT when my daughter told me at 5 o'clock in the afternoon that the only reason she had just finished her school was because I had made her spend an hour watching the Presidential Inauguration, taking notes and then writing a paragraph. She seemed to have forgotten the two hours she'd wasted that morning doing just a math page. And I was not super surprised at what an amazing job she actually did writing that paragraph.

The next day, I knew I had to change something about the way I was doing things. I was not surprised to see what a difference the rest of my homeschool week was, when we started the day off each morning doing Bible together. I should not have been surprised at the spiritual battles I was facing every day without even realizing it.

I was not the mother who let her two boys open and close the door coming into the orthodontist office or the one letting them play with the water fountain just to pacify them long enough for my daughter to have her retainer checked. And I did not get upset when I left my sons sippy cup at the office, when I was already in a hurry to get home to eat lunch with Wesley, then had to turn around and go back to get it.

When my husband and I went to finally renew our cell phone contract, I was not super proud of myself for getting the free cell phone, versus giving into temptation to buy the phone I wanted, even with him telling me to get the one I wanted. And I did not tell myself over and over, "What is the point of making a budget if you're not going to follow it?"

My husband and I have been watching seasons 1-4 of LOST over the last four months so that we'd be caught up by the premier of season 5. After all that watching, we did not both fall asleep an hour into the two hour long premier! And I did not spend the next afternoon watching what we'd missed on the ABC website!

I did not almost squeal with delight over getting two emails from two different friends from high school who like me, don't have much time to write emails.

I did not take my kids to go play outside just so I could selfishly take pictures of them and then make them come back inside after my camera battery died, for the first time since getting it for Christmas. I'd let them play for over an hour, that was plenty long enough. Maybe? Ya think?

I was not extremely proud of Foster when he came home from speech therapy with three snowmen "It's Mommy, Foster and Will" which he had to say a word for every "Snowball". And I did not get a kick out of him wanting me to take his picture over and over and over again...and then get mad when I took someone else's picture. This coming from the child who will rarely sit still long enough for me to snap any kind of photo.

I did not try to make the most of my husband's night away at a men's conference for our church, by pigging out on junk food and having a girls night with my Randol. I did not want to hug my friend Kim when she invited me over for a play date all day while both our husbands were away. I did not enjoy getting to sit and visit while our kids played and never once had to worry over whether or not my kids would act on their best behavior or try and impress anyone. We did not laugh and share each others motherhood stories and fill each other up with much needed encouragement. And I did not greet Wesley with open arms and enjoy the next hour as he excitedly gave me a recap of his weekend.

I did not wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning, convicted of how much I need to seek His face everyday and quit running on my own agenda and schedule. I was not reminded once again that I am living on His time-not my own and that He has a purpose for every minute that I am on this earth.

I did not begin to ask God what He had up His sleeve when two other mom's told me in one week that they are going to start homeschooling next year. I did not start to seek His will for how I am supposed to help and lead them along the way.

I did not soak up every picture my sister put on Facebook of my precious niece and I did not feel sad at seeing her sweet three month old smile and think of all the things I am missing.

I did not laugh when people came up to me at church saying they didn't realize I was pregnant and that they thought the baby I held in our Christmas production in December was mine...and that I was pregnant. AGAIN! Ahh-what a nightmare!

I did not almost cry when my pastor sang an old hymn acapella last night at the deacon ordination. I was not super proud of seeing Wesley's best friend Seth become ordained and I did not almost cry again (gotta love those pregnancy hormones!) from watching Seth's father bend over and whisper a long prayer in his ear. I did not stay for almost 45 minutes after the service was over (while my kids were in the nursery) just so that I could take pictures. And I did not make a fool of myself in front of our pastor by telling him I love my new Canon 40d so much that I have even dreamt about it! His wife is a professional photographer and was sharing "camera stories", but please-dreams about a camera? What An Idiot! TMI!

It did not make my whole year, when an older friend and mentor came up to me at church on Sunday just to tell me that, "I thought that girl who won Miss America last night must have been pregnant and went to my church because she looks just like you!" I did not almost kiss her!

I did not finally relieve my guilt by bringing dinner to a friend who'd had a baby three months ago and lives right across the street from my house!

And lastly, I did not fall out laughing when my 20 month old crawled up next to me, patted my prego belly and said, "It's a ball!" and then try to look under my shirt for the ball I was hiding. That was quickly followed up by my 3 year old responding, "Silly Will, it's not a ball, it's a baby in mommy's tummy....but Daddy's baby is all gone!"

Stormy Weather?

The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble.

He cares for those who trust in him.

Nahum 1:7

Last Thursday morning, I woke up to a very sick and feverish Will. As the days followed, one by one, my other children got sick. There were many times in the middle of the night where I'd rock Will back and forth, waiting for his nose to clear up and to hear his rhythmic breathing that let me know he'd fallen back asleep. I started using this time to pray. The house was quiet, except for an occasional cough from one of the other bedrooms and it was dark in my room except for the small glow of a tiny nightlight. I'd hold my baby boy and pray that he'd feel better and I would thank God that I wasn't sitting at a hospital with a really sick child in my arms. Whenever my kids catch some type of virus, I always think, "It's not cancer or some long term disease, I can handle this!" It's all about perspective!

Monday, we decided to take the kids to see the pediatrician. I am not like a lot of mom's who take their kids to see the doctor at any sign of a runny nose. I usually try and wait things out until I know that good 'ole cough medicine or saline drops aren't helping and then I load up the whole crew and go see what the doc has to say. The doctor prescribed them each an antibiotic and an antihistamine. By the time I left the pharmacy, I'd dropped over $100 bucks in co pays and med's, but I was hopeful that things were going to get better and that my children would be back to their cheerful selves in no time. My husband reminded me, that is priceless and worth any money we had.

After 20 minutes of giving the kids their new medicine, Will went from playing cheerfully with his brother to being ready to pass out from exhaustion, his face became pale and he felt like he had a fever. As I held him in my arms I noticed his breathing was weird. He sounded like he had been running a marathon and was breathing very rapidly. I started to get scared at the sudden change in behavior. After a little while had passed, I felt fear begin to take hold. He had a temp of 102, his breathing would not slow down and he kept moaning, "Mama".

So often as I sit and watch my kids play together or I catch a wink from my husband from across the dinner table, I think, "Does life get any better than this? I am not worthy of the life He has blessed me with." And then I remind myself to soak up every minute because life can change in an instance. It only takes one car wreck, one slippery road, one missed stop sign, one rain storm, one etc...and life as we know it, will forever be altered. I am not trying to be a pessimistic, just remind myself how every moment is precious and not to be taken for granted. I once heard that you are either walking out of a storm, standing, soaking wet in a storm right now or you are about to enter one. It has been a long while since I've had any really stormy weather.

Sitting on that couch, listening to my sons shallow, rapid breathing, I started to wonder, "Was this it, the moment that big, fat raindrops were about to fall?" Tears began to form and trickle down my cheeks as I felt so helpless and afraid. My child was calling my name to help him, but I didn't know how. I began to do the only thing I knew how to do. Pray. God was the only One who could help my child. I realized just how much faith and assurance I had put into a bunch of man-made medication. I had forgotten to trust the One who could really heal him.

After calling the doctor and finding out that a lot of children have that same reaction to the medicine, I still did not feel any better until his breathing returned to normal (6 hours after I'd given him the medicine!) and his fever went down. We decided that was the last time we'd ever give him that medicine!

So often we live our lives putting our faith in things other than God. We place our faith in people, who no matter how much they love us-will always let us down at some point. We put our faith in our jobs and our paychecks and what we can buy, yet no job is 100% secure and all the things we buy, will be left behind once we are gone. We place our faith in technology and science, yet even those can fail us too. Every been typing an important paper, only to have your hard drive crash? What are you putting your trust in today? I so often put my trust in myself; I can do it, I can handle it, I can fix it. Not because I think I'm super special or super human, it's just my nature to "do, do, do" that I often forget until I'm all burned out, to ask for help.

The same God who parted the Red Sea so Moses and the Israelites could walk across on dry ground and the same God who raised Jesus from the dead three days after He was buried-is the same God who loves you and desperately wants you to trust Him with all the tiny details of your life. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow-He WILL NOT FAIL YOU!!!

EVER.

Think about that.

Why are we so stubborn to trust in what we can see, instead of having the faith to trust in the One who made us and who even has power over the oceans and the lightening bolts?

Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion,

which cannot be shaken but endures forever.
As the mountains surround Jerusalem,

so the LORD surrounds his people both now and forevermore.

Psalm 125:1-2

Not Me Monday

Every week my friend Shannon does Not Me Monday. She's hilarious-you should check it out at http://butterflies-and-daisies.blogspot.com/ It is basically a comedic summary of all the things that you would never do over the past week. She is much funnier and smarter than I, but I thought I'd give it a try.

So..what did I not do again the last seven days...lets see...I did not almost postpone starting school, last Monday, just so I could sleep in another ten minutes. I did not want to jump up and down with excitement when I got to return to my Ladies Bible study after being on break for two months. And I did not tell my friend Victoria, "This is my only break from my children~that's the main reason I'm always early!"

I did not lose my patience when in the five minutes it took me to brush my teeth, I found my 19 month old with a chair pushed up to the washer, pulling soaking wet clothes out and dropping them to the floor. And I did not raise my voice, when I saw that he looked like I had I given him a bath. With His Clothes On. No Not Me!

I did not remind myself "that your body is supposed to get bigger," 4,000 times as I pulled on maternity jeans for the first time only to find-They Actually Fit. I knew the day would come when I could only fit into maternity clothes-I just wasn't prepared when Today IS THAT Day.

I did not go home and want to spank my child after his speech therapist told me he crawled under the table and said, "No!" when she asked him to say a bunch of "P" words. And I did not lose my temper in Sam's when my children pointed to anything and everything saying, "Mama, Mama, buy that!" and then cry when I turned the aisle without it in our cart. Later that night, I did not smile as we ate dinner by candle light because my poor husband had a migraine (the smile was for the candle, NOT the migraine).

I did not want to pitch a fit like a three year old, when my husband had to work all afternoon on Saturday while I tried as best I could, to keep the children quiet. My heart did not melt when my 3 year old brought me a dandelion and then stood there long enough for me to take his picture. Later that night, I did not ask God to "Bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies" before taking a big fat bite of my Burger King cheeseburger; then thanked Him for not having to cook dinner.

I did not almost cry when I made our new 2009 Budget and saw that despite cutting back On Everything, not even Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover could get us out of $140,000 worth of school loans, Any Time Soon. And I did not laugh when I saw the look in my daughters eyes when I told her "No more Cheetos's for A Long, Long time!"

I did not almost call De Fax on my husband when him and our boys got riled up in a game that involved hitting each other-As Hard As They Could-all while laughing hysterically the whole time. And I did not scowl as he told me, "Marion, that's how boys play!"

And lastly, on Sunday night while enjoying a great dinner with Wesley's parents at Jason's Deli, Foster had to go potty. Wesley kindly took him. Then He Had To Go Again. My Turn. I did not use my Supersonic vision to see all the germs crawling around on his hands as he held on to the public toilet for dear life, in a effort not to fall in. After standing there for twenty minutes, I did not think of my yummy Chicken Alfredo getting ice cold, as I stood there talking about light fixtures with a three year old. I did not proceed to scrub his little hands until they were almost red to make sure all the germs were gone and I did not want to crawl in a hole and die of embarrassment as he shouted Across The Whole Restaurant, "DADDY, I WENT POOP!" for all to hear.

And I did not just spend the only time I had to take a nap today, writing this post...

Ahh...I truly love my life and all the blessings children bring! I know a day will come when they are all grown up and I'll miss these days and all the adventures they bring! This was a great reminder to laugh in the midst of my daily struggles. It's all about perspective right?!?

What's in a Name Anyway?

"What's in a name?

That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet."

Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

Lately my husband and I have been discussing baby names. To name a child is no easy task, especially when you and your spouse don't have many names you both like! What a responsibility! You are choosing the word that will become that person's identity forever. It will be the word that will be on a birth certificate, possibly a passport; maybe it will be in the local paper for some great achievement. It will be written in genealogy records for the end of time. More importantly, I pray that they will one day accept Christ as their personal Saviour and that name will be written in the Book of Life for all eternity.

I started thinking of all of God's names. He has so many in the Bible that He gives us to remind us of an event or of a characteristic of Him. In the Bible, people were named something, based off of what the name meant. I often wonder what name He would give me, based off of its meaning. Would my name mean "Giving of Self" or "Selfish"; "Loving" or "Prideful"? When the Lord looks down from the heavens, searching for those whose hearts are fully committed to Him-am I found worthy enough, committed enough for Him to choose my heart to strengthen?( 2 Chronicles 16:9a) I would love for my heavenly name to mean "Strengthened by the Lord" or "The Lord's Servant".

When God looks down from the heavens, He doesn't see your new haircut and your pretty red shirt. He doesn't see a face covered in makeup with glossy lips. He sees you, to the core, no covering it up...and He loves you anyway, despite yourself. I encourage you to take a look inside your heart and see what you find. The best way I know what all is going on in there, is by what comes out in my daily routine. Am I angry or bitter or jealous about something? Am I losing my temper or getting frustrated too easily? Those are the days and the moments I wish He wasn't looking! Those are the times I know I need to stop and pray and get filled with Him, and not myself.

So what is in a name really? I try not to think of the big responsibility or it really is overwhelming. By April, I trust that we'll have at least one boy name and one girl name and hopefully we will still like those names when we meet this little one who likes to kick me every night!

Such Anticipation!

The week before Christmas, everyday my children would ask, "How many more days Mommy?" with excitement in their eyes. They anticipated Christmas morning just like so many other children across the globe. They would gaze up at the Christmas lights and shake their presents, dreaming of what was in them.

I started my shopping the beginning of November, buying a few things here and there. There were countless nights that I would leave Wesley at home with the kids after dinner to go shopping. I spent more time stuck in traffic, looking for parking places and waiting in lines. That's not including the countless time spent online shopping and comparing prices amongst retailers. I had my list and was always checking it twice to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything. We spent many hours in the attic getting down all the decorations; there's the Christmas tree filled with ornaments and flashing colored lights. The village, lit up along the entertainment center with the little ceramic cars and people. It is our own "Lambertusville" in our living room! And of course there is the nativity along the mantle, a focal point to remind us of the true meaning of the season. In addition to decorating and buying gifts, there is the addressing of Christmas cards and runs to the post office; the endless Christmas parties and making of goodies for neighbors and friends.

So much time put into just one day, into one season; so much expectation for just one morning. There was so much planning and coordinating of schedules to make sure we could see all our family members in one day. Then there is all the after "Christmas planning"; of Christmas dinner and desserts. And lastly, finding time to put away all the decorations and gifts from that one morning.

When it's not Christmas time, so many of us live our lives working Monday through Friday, keeping our eyes focused on the weekend. Once the weekend comes, it is over and we're stuck back in the weekly anticipation of our two day weekend. Anticipation can be a good thing. It gives us drive and a goal to reach for. So often it is what causes that anticipation that can be our downfall. It is easy to become focused on buying gifts and filling the house with lights, that we forget the tiny baby that laid in a manger. Our focus is on earthly things and we forget to look for the things we cannot see.

My question to you today is, what are you anticipating now that the holidays are over? What are you looking forward to with excitement and joy? Jesus tells us in His word, that we are to anticipate His return. He lovingly says that He will come back one day and it is our job to keep our eyes opened, looking for Him. In the book of Mark, Jesus says,

"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come. It's like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with his assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch. "Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back—whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. What I say to you, I say to everyone: 'Watch!' " Mark 13:32-37

Are you keeping watch today? Are you aware of what God wants you to do or are you too busy living 9 to 5, to focus on anything else? If you are a child of God, you are a servant of His. You are to be standing at the door keeping watch for His return. That's not to say you're not supposed to live your life, just make sure you are living it with His purposes in mind. It is so easy to slip, to let one day go by without reading His word or even praying, except to maybe thank Him for a meal. Before you know it, that one day turns into a week and then a month and then a year goes by. Suddenly you are living your life on your own and not in His will. I urge to make today a better day. Start fresh on examining how you live your life. Ask Him what He wants you to do differently and I assure you, He will tell you in some form or fashion.

Don't wait, don't hesitate, He could be returning at any moment or any time. There is not a second to spare! I pray that you will learn to anticipate His return, just as children anticipate Christmas morning. With as much preparation and planning and time spent into making one Christmas morning special, do the same for Him. It's a new day, a new year and so much can happen if God's people would obediently look to Him and quit being idle in the things of this world.