A Mother's Heart

Where have YOU been?!?!

Oh right-I'M the one whose been missing from this blog. I know it's been a while. I have written in my head, so many things I wanted to share with you, I just couldn't find the time to type it out. Life is so busy, I can't keep everything straight. Today the Lord knew I needed a much needed break. The boys are resting and I’m eating ice cream, listening to Pandora and BLOGGING!!!! As I was trying to figure out what to do in this quiet living room, I was reminded of a blog post I’d written a few weeks ago, which happened to remind me of a photo I took this weekend. I went and edited this a little so it’s not so raw, but for the most part, I think raw and written from the heart is better than polished with perfect English! I wrote this a few weeks ago…

Last night I could not sleep, I was writing in my head, over and over the words on my heart. I was laying silent, yet screaming on the inside. Sad, discouraged, not sure what to do and pouring my heart out to the One who could hear my inward thoughts. Parenting-it is no easy thing. My husband and I were struggling with some discipling issues with our daughter. Tough love is so much easier to say than to do!

Our oldest is turning 12 this month-and I am struggling with this birthday, probably more than any other she's had so far. It is the last one where she is technically not turning a teenager and technically not turning an adult. How can I raise her to be the person God wants her to be with a heart sold out to Him, in the midst the world we live in?

Most of my daughter’s friends either have a cell phone, an ipod touch or some type of handheld internet device. When they hang out together, they’ll watch music videos and look up stuff on Google. I once read several years ago that you should put your computer in the living room-not in some back, closed door office. This way when your kids are on the internet, you can keep an eye on what they are looking at. How are we as parents supposed to do that and regulate what our children see, when it comes in the form of a two inch square that can fit in your back pocket?

Recently we upgraded our cell phones to Droid's. I've got to admit-being able to check email, look up live weather maps, directions, and any other kind of info-has come in very handy. I'm not sure I'd ever want to go back. Yet, one thing I've noticed is when I'm on the internet on my phone, using various app's etc. there is almost always some type of ad on the bottom of my screen. It is usually near a button I need to push, almost causing me to accidentally hit the wrong thing. It's not a Wal-mart ad or an innocent infomercial-no it's usually some type of dating site. If I get that kind of JUNK on my own phone-I can only assume others do to-including those innocent girls who have the same types of hand held internet devices.

We know that as children of God, "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, ...it's against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:12) We also know that the Thief "comes ONLY to steal and kill and destroy" (John 10:10). A while ago, I started praying that God would open our eyes to the spiritual battles going on all around us; that He would send His bright light to make all things visible (Eph 5:13). When life gets hard, it is so easy to blame it on someone else or that you are simply just having a bad day; maybe it was being at the wrong place at the wrong time, or simply being busy etc, etc. when in reality, many times it's a spiritual battle we face, every moment of our lives...and our children are in that same battle-it is our job to protect them as much as we can, from that evil-to teach them to recognize it when they are in tempting situations and to stand up and fight against it. We cannot create a safety bubble around our kids, but we can create a prayer cloud that surrounds them, going with them. When we started homeschooling, so many people accused us of being naive-like the only reason we pulled our daughter out of school was so we could control her environment. I am not stupid-I know that she will be exposed to the world and all it holds, but I am responsible to make sure she can handle it when those times come.

This morning, as I was reading God's Word I came across this verse, "You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the One who calls you." (Galatians 5:7-8). As our children grow-they are more aware of their peers-what they get to do, how they get to dress, what their parents let them watch on TV and books they let them read. Suddenly the child who looked up to us, is now looking to others to fit in and their approval matters more. We must try and encourage good friendships-the kind who will encourage them to be the kind of people God wants them to be. It is our job to make sure that those things-or other people will not sway them from God's path-that they will not "cut in" on them and lead them down a wrong road.

I encourage you to pray for your children and to be their parent. Don’t be afraid to say no or to discipline them when they do wrong. It’s how they grow and how they learn right from wrong. It's ok for them to be disappointed and to not have everything they want. Those hard times can create important life lessons that will stay with them forever. As a parent, I am to raise them to love the Lord, to build that spiritual foundation that they can build on for the rest of their lives. And then I must let them go-all the while praying they will follow His path for their lives.

"He tends His flock like a shepherd;He gathers the lambs in His arms and He carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young."~Isaiah 40:11

More Important

I don't understand why young people who are so full of life, have to die. I don't know why God closes the womb of women who long for a child and would make amazing mothers. Why does He allow good people to be struck with illnesses and disease that change their lives forever? Why does He let children be hurt and abducted? In situations like these it's easy to ask, "Why, Lord...why?"

The other night we were driving home and out our window was the pinkest, brightest sunset I think I have ever seen. As soon as we got home, I rushed inside to grab my camera to try and capture this gift God had placed right outside my door. I stood on our neighborhood sign, climbed a tree, walked up a large hill, yet no matter how hard I tried, I could not get above the outline of houses in the neighborhood to capture this amazing view. It was not quite how I pictured it in my head. Just as I was about to jump back in my car and try to find a higher ground, a verse popped in my head. It was plain as day, here I was looking up with man-made houses in my view, while God's amazing artwork lay ahead, just beyond my eye. I could see a glimpse of it, but nowhere near the whole picture. Suddenly I knew-this was the picture He wanted me to capture, this was His message.

I will go to my grave not understanding why horrible, heart wrenching things happen to innocent people. God's Word says His ways are not even LIKE our ways, His thoughts are not even LIKE our thoughts. They don't even compare. They are not in the same ballpark or the same universe. satan can take a small amount of "Why, Lord?" and turn it into a boulder that blocks ones view of the Lord walking along side you.

There are a lot of things in this world that I will never understand, but I will also go to my grave knowing that God loved me-Marion, so much that He sent His one and only Son to die for me (John 3:16). He would rather die than live eternity without me...or without you. The enemy tries over and over to knock us down and then to keep us there, but when you find yourself on your knees-turn to the One who will lift you up again. Turn to the one who DOES have all the answers, even when you don't. He does hear your prayers and He loves you more than you will ever, ever know. And knowing that, is more important than all those other things that I will never understand.

"You bestow glory on me and lift up my head,

to the Lord I cry out and He answers me from His holy hill."

Psalms 3:3-4

Choose!

Yesterday morning I rolled over, looked at the clock and started praying. I knew this was the beginning of another school year, the beginning of new challenges and new adventures. Every school year starts with a measure of excitement. Last week was the first day of public school. Like every year, it always leaves me wondering if we are doing the right thing. I can remember how much fun that first day of school was. You had the new clothes, your backpack ready with shiny pencils and sharp crayons. You wondered what friends you would see and who would be in your class. It was exciting! I start to question our decision to homeschool. Are we doing the right thing? Is Randol missing out? Every year I wonder these things, I doubt my calling to homeschool, but only a tiny bit. And every year God reassures me, once again and reminds me to focus on HIM-not myself, not the world, but to rest in HIM and His calling for my life.

This summer I was desperate for Bible study. Many of you may have seen where I blogged about memorizing as much of James as I could this summer, which was good, but I needed something more. I remembered a book Wesley had bought me last year for Christmas. Beth Moore had come out with a Personal Reflection Series. I did the one on Jesus and loved it so much Wesley bought me the one on David for Christmas. I picked it up and decided that was what I would do over summer. I just love Beth, always have. This book is not like most of her books. It is shorter and written in a journal type style, where you read between 10-25 verses a day, there's life application and a part to write about.

Yesterday, on the first day of a new school year my devotion ended with asking, "What are some of the best opportunities you can take in the lives of your children and grandchildren to infuse them with spiritual truth and wisdom?" Then at the end there is always a prayer, based on God's Word and it said, "May time spent in Your Word result in faith, not only for me but for my children..." What a reminder as I read and prayed, that I cannot do this homeschooling thing alone. I HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF BED AND GO READ MY BIBLE! And more importantly, He has called me to teach my children at home and if I sent them to public or private school, would be to live outside of His will for my life.

In 2 Timothy 3:16-17 it says, "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." His Word is useful for every area of our lives and it equips us for EVERY good work. Not some, not a few, but every...when you are walking in His will for your life, you will bear good fruit, you will shine in a dark and dreary world. But, you've GOT to get out of bed, you've got to make that first step to pick up His Word and to read it. Ask Him to help you, to show you, to speak to you.

We all have different callings, different ways of raising our children, different jobs, different schedules...but we all have the same calling, the same purpose. Jesus said in Matthew, Mark and Luke that we "...must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me."

Today just as in Joshua 24:15b, you have a choice, "Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve." It's up to you, only you can decide. Are you going to take up your cross and leave yourself behind...are you going to trust the One who made you and loves you and walk in the shadow of His Almighty wings? Or will you settle for trying to do things on your own, in your own way? Only you can decide.

No More To-Do's

Last week cleaning out a drawer in my kitchen, I found an old To Do list. Judging from the list, I'm guessing it was from the week of Randol's slumber party. It had things on there like, pick up goodie bags, find the best deal on pizzas, go to the craft store, buy ice cream, call about the cake etc. Looking at it, I easily remembered how stressed I was to get everything done-which I did manage to do, somehow. That was two months ago, yet it feels like it was only yesterday.

I have always been a list person. When I was in college and I'd get bored listening to some professors lecture, I'd start making a list of goals for that week. The funny thing is, so many times I would put things on there that I had already done just so I could feel a sense of accomplishment when I was able to cross off something! Mind games I guess.

The first few photo shoots I did, I would carry a small index card in my back pocket. On it, I would have a list of 3 to 5 different poses. It was my crutch. It was what I needed to get my creative juices flowing and the rest would stem from there. In so many of the photography books I've read the authors encourage you NOT to make a list. So often when we have a list, it is easy to just go line by line and miss other great photo opportunities. It is usually the non-posed, non-standard shots that end up being my favorite-the shots that would never have been listed on an index card in my back pocket.

A couple of weekends ago we were pulling into our driveway, coming home from the pool. My mind was swimming with To Do's-baths, start dinner, do a load of laundry, bedtimes etc. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a flower in my small garden. My heart skipped a beat and I said out loud,"I think Gramma's flowers are in my garden!" I jumped out of the van and ran to see. I was right! There in my yard were two of my Gramma Nance's favorite flowers. How on earth did they get there? I certainly hadn't planted them and I have never seen them in Lowe's or anywhere else that I buy plants. I am not sure what kind of flowers they are, but I do know they were my Gramma Nance's favorites. After she died and I had Foster, my Grampa brought me a big bouqhet of "Gramma's Favorite Flowers". For my 30th birthday a few months ago, my mom did the same. The only thing I can think of is, when I dumped out the vase of dead flowers after my birthday, some must have taken root and are now blooming in my yard. When I told my mom she was amazed and said, "Aww Marion, it's like she's smiling down on you saying hello!"

I often think about those flowers. If they hadn't caught my eye that day, I wonder how long it would have taken me to notice that they were even there. I am so scheduled, so busy, going line by line on my list of To Do's that days go by before I even look up.

When I found that old To Do list from March I thought about this summer. It is going to pass away fast and another school year will begin soon. I could easily waste away this time going to the pool, working, doing laundry and cleaning out closets. But in the scheme of eternity...do any of those things really matter? I decided that I want to do something BIG this summer-something that will last, something I can take with me...but what?!?

I heard about how the Middle Schoolers in our church are trying to memorize the whole book of James. I have heard of people who have memorized large portions of scripture and looked at them in amazement and wonder-and a little jealousy. I always think sadly, "I want to do something like that!" Only this time when I thought it, I heard God in His small voice whisper in my ear-"So why don't you?" That left me tongue tied. So why don't you? What is more important on some To Do list than learning God's Word? What will last longer than that? What has more meaning than THAT? I can't think of anything-can you?

This summer I have started doing just that. So far I am almost to verse 12 and for me-that is huge! I'm going to take the book section by section and see how far God takes me. I have let go of my lists, I'm not going to plan out everyday and every moment of my week. Like all those photography books say-if you live line by line-you could miss out on the really great stuff. And I don't want to miss out anymore!

I encourage you to ask God what HIS To Do list is for you this summer. I promise you, He DOES have a plan for you. Don't be so stuck to your own list, that you miss it. I know that you will be blessed more than you can imagine!

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city,

spend a year there, carry on business and make money."

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.

What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.

As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.

Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do

and doesn't do it, sins."

James 4:13-17

Faith and a Lot of Rambling Updates

Despite popular belief, I have not forgotten this blog! I keep beating myself up about not writing on here anymore. There are many mornings that I'll do my Bible study and I'll be inspired to come write...and then the kids will wake up and the day will begin and when I have a moment to write-the inspiration is gone or I've found something else to occupy my time. To catch you up on this craziness called my life, my days have been filled with changing diapers, teaching area and perimeter formulas, reading Around the World in 80 Days, teaching the days of the week and how to write letters, going through pictures, editing them, and then uploading them. I'd be a liar if I didn't say that Facebook was not involved in there somewhere also! I have been without a car for almost two weeks now. You would think this would force me to get stuff done around this house, but sadly that is not the case. Wesley was driving home during rush hour and the car in front of him swerved suddenly. There was an 18 wheeler tire in the middle of the road and he had about a tenth of a second to react. He could either swerve and risk hitting the car next to him or as he said, "put both hands on the wheel and brace myself for impact!". Yes, this was his new car and frustration would not be a strong enough word to describe how he felt!

The damage costs a couple hundred dollars to replace two plastic pieces of the bumper.
Unfortunately the parts haven't come in and we cannot drive it with the broken part dragging on the ground. I cannot tell you how much I have had to pray to my Heavenly Father and not give into the fear that clutches my mind when I allow myself to think of all the "what could have happened" scenarios. Most of you have heard me say my absolute worst fear is losing Wesley and being a single mom to four children. The fact that he had just hung up the phone with me about 5 minutes before he hit the tire and the thought that that could have been the last time I talked to the love of my life...OK well, like I said, I just have to thank the Lord for watching over him!

In a nutshell, last month would sound something like this: March was filled with birthday parties, me turning 30, Randol 11 and an early birthday for Samuel turning 1. Samuel got tubes in his ears. We spent a day in Atlanta visiting with Wesley's cousin and his family. It was so much fun to just get out of town for a day. Sitting in Centennial park and eating at the CNN center made it feel like we were on vacation with his family. It was a fun day! Then there was Easter, followed by a weekend full of lots of yard work...and that brings us to the present.

Randol has only 6 weeks left of the 5th grade and we are almost finished with all of her textbooks. The last two weeks of school will be full of preparing her for standardized testing and then actually taking the test. I must admit, I am so thankful for school to be over yet I am sad that it is her last year in elementary school. Where did the time go? Next year is Middle school and even though we will still be homeschooling -she will be in the youth group at church and will be helping in VBS next summer instead of participating. She will be done with AWANA and Children's summer camp and ...she'll be approaching her teen years like a freight train. And I don't think I'm ready for all of that. But, like the saying from the child's game of hide and seek goes-ready or not-here I come! Listening to seven girls talking about boys and periods and fashion at Randol's slumber party, made me physically nauseous! To think that in seven short years she will be graduating high school and going off to college and leaving me in this house full of little men! All I can say is, life sure does fly by! I am old enough to realize that seven years will be here tomorrow.

As for an update on my new photography business. A few weeks ago our pastor was talking about the ways the devil works. One of his many ways is telling us "You're not good enough!" "So and so is better than you!" "People will laugh at you!" "You are a fool!" "What are you thinking?" And before we know it-we believe the lies and fear makes us too scared to step out on faith. The whole time he was talking I couldn't help but smile. His reminder of how the devil works only reaffirmed taking this new path. All of those things were what that little voice in my head told me over and over again, whenever I even thought about throwing myself out there and showing the world my photography; taking a risk and not knowing if your going to fall flat on your face. I think this whole process is the closest I will come to bungee jumping! I am so amazed at how God orchestrates my photo shoots; how people find me or "happen" to come across my work, the way the sky is perfectly blue or the sun is at the perfect angle for a shot-that is all God and not me. There are so many times that I will look back over pictures or lay in bed thinking about a recent photo shoot and I will get tears in my eyes. I don't deserve this. To find something you love and make money from it-isn't that the American dream? Being able to stay at home, homeschool, raise my children AND own my own tiny business all at the same time. How did I get so lucky? God is just too good to me.

Yet, those voices are never really far behind me. When I finish uploading pictures to the web site and a job is completed, a small part of me feels relief (because usually I am behind on my household chores :) and a very tiny part of me wonders if it will be my last shoot-maybe no one else will contact me, maybe no one will like my work anymore...and the lies tries to creep back in. Thankfully, like only God can, I am reminded that those are all lies and I must stand on His truth. I am amazed at how usually within a few days of completing a job, someone else will email or call about setting up another shoot. That's all God.

It is so easy to compare yourself to someone else and feel that you will never measure up. Truth is, there will always be someone out there better than you, but that's OK. That's how we are encouraged to grow, to keep learning and to never remain stagnant. Some days I will get so caught up in making my web site to be just like other photographers or I beat myself up over not having a "Photography Blog" like most have. Truth is, you know I struggle with keeping up with this blog and my FB Fan page and everything else that pulls at my time-I don't need to add something else to my load. I have also decided that if folks come here to see pictures and get some of God's Word at the same time-that's even better! I am learning that it is OK to not fit into a mold. If I spend my days comparing myself to everyone else-I'll never give myself the chance to be unique and different and follow God's path for my life-not His path for someone else.

Turning 30 made me reflect on the past and dream for the future. I don't want to wake up in 20, or 30, or 40 years, and look back on my life wishing I had taken a chance. I don't want to have any regrets and I certainly don't want to miss the plan God has for my life. I am still young and I pray that I have many, many more years left on this earth to serve Him. If God has given you a dream-don't give it up for a lie. If He has called you to do something, He will enable you to succeed in a way only He can. If you think you aren't strong enough, not talented enough, not smart enough, not whatever enough-you're right, you aren't~BUT GOD IS!!! That's what faith is! Don't miss His best for your life because you are too scared! I leave you with one of my new favorite songs by Kutless, "That's What Faith Can Do." I love the lines, "Life is so much more than your eyes are seeing. You'll find your way if you keep believing..When the world tells you that you can't, it (faith) will tell you that you can." God has answered so many of my silent prayers, helped me overcome so many odds and given me hope to stand on. He does not fail and He will never leave or forsake you. You've just got to trust Him.

I thought this week I could share with you a few samples of my most recent photo shoots. I'll be featuring a different shoot everyday this week. Comments are always fun and I really love hearing people's feedback-positive and negative. Thank you for stopping by here and for sharing in this journey with me! You are a blessing!

Divine Protection

Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21

I woke up, drank my coffee and got ready for the day. I started school with Randol; checked email; took Foster to Speech Therapy; ate lunch with Wesley; put the boys down for a nap; talked to my mom and sister on the phone; played around on Photoshop; made homemade pizza for dinner; cleaned the kitchen and left for Publix to pick up a prescription.


There was nothing unusual, nothing out of the ordinary, just a regular 'ole day.


It was dark outside when I pulled in the parking lot of Publix. I noticed that there were a lot of cars. I decided to take a parking spot farther back than I would have liked, rather than wait for someone to leave so that I could park closer. On the way to the store I had been praying that God would make me a good steward of our money-more that I wouldn't buy things we didn't need in the 20 minutes I'd have to wait for the prescription to be filled. As I parked the car, I noticed my envelope of clipped coupons on the floor. It is an envelope that I rarely remember to use. I went to get out of the car and I got this overwhelming feeling that I needed to flip through those coupons. "That is silly! All I'm buying is milk and apple juice! I don't need any coupons for that!"


I got out of the car, keys in my hand with the car door still open and I felt it again-Marion! Get in the car and look at those coupons! I laughed out loud, thinking maybe I was weaker than I thought and God was trying to help me save some money. I got back in the car, closed the door and flipped through the envelope of coupons. After a minute or two I said out loud-"This is silly Lord, all I'm buying is Foster's prescription and some milk and apple juice to get us through the weekend-there aren't any coupons for those things!"


I opened my car door to get out and suddenly the car alarm went off. Lights were flashing and sirens were going off all around me. Startled, I closed my door, and tried frantically to figure out how to make it all stop. I was driving the new car we bought Wesley the week after Christmas (a whole other blog post about God's provision in that!) so I was not familiar with the alarm system in this car! There was an alarm button on the key ring and I figured that I must have accidentally pushed it. I finally figured out how to make the noise stop, then I sat in the car for a minute or two. Making very careful not to push any buttons on my key ring, I opened the door again.


BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! The alarm went off again and it felt as though something was pushing against the door. Lights flashing, sirens blaring and me scrounging around trying once again to figure out how to turn them off. Suddenly, like a light bulb going off, I realized-this was no accident, God was protecting me from something. I sat there, heart beating, and tried to figure out what to do. Should I just go home? Do I sit in the car for a while? Do I go inside?


I prayed and asked God that if I needed to go home, to please let the alarm go off again and I would take that as my sign not to get out of the car and go in the store. Taking a deep breath, I slowly opened the car door.


No alarm. The air was calm and crisp in a way I cannot describe. I got out of the car, locked it and started walking into the store. I looked around the parking lot and didn't see a soul.


Walking briskly towards the door, out of no where, a man appeared. He was built like a body builder, wearing sweat pants with a toboggan pulled over his head. Walking behind him, I could see his huge back muscles through his shirt. He had a strut and kept constantly looking back and forth. Once looking over his left shoulder, he made eye contact with me. I got this shiver go down my spine. All I could think of was that he could snap me like a twig if he wanted to. I knew that man was either the predator God was protecting me from or he was my guardian angel, walking me safely inside the store. Two different extremes, but he was related to the whole incident-somehow.


I went in the store, looked back and I could see his broad shoulders walk down an aisle and then disappear. I sat, waiting for Foster's prescription, thanking God for His divine protection. I prayed asking Him if it was safe to go buy milk and juice. After walking down an aisle, I ran into my mother-in-laws, best friend from high school. She has the sweetest smile and the cheeriest voice. We small-talked and went about our separate ways. Walking away, I thanked God for her. She didn't know what had just happened, but He did. He had placed her in that aisle to remind me to smile-that everything was going to be OK.


Driving home, I thought of my regular 'ole ordinary day. I thought of the short kiss to my husband and children before I'd left to go to the store. What we had thought was going to be a thirty minute goodbye-could have been forever. That night, I kept thinking of all the things I would have missed sharing with my husband and in my children's lives if I left this world that day. Instead of spending my time thanking Him for saving me from someone or something lurking in the dark-I was swimming in "What if's" in my head. I woke up in the middle of the night and I suddenly remembered a verse I had shared with a friend on Facebook the day before-"The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save." Zephaniah 3:17a. I knew-He was not finished with me yet; there is still work for me to do for His kingdom.

The truth of the matter is this-we don't know when our time is up. No one is promised tomorrow or next week or next year. All we have is this minute to make a difference for His Kingdom. So what are you going to do for Him today?

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,

since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.

It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Colossians 3:23-24

More Than Just a Story

I must give a little explanation before I let you read the following post...ok, more like a confession than an explanation. I wrote the following entry on November 10th. Why haven't you seen it yet, you might ask. Well, I had this great idea that I could add some pictures to it and I needed some of my mom's pictures to complete the task. She emailed them right away and I ...well, it is now over a month later and I am just now getting around to it...but I must explain why. God's timing is amazing.

I have been in a full "Must get ready for Christmas, but totally not feeling it" type of mood since before Thanksgiving. When Thanksgiving weekend was over, it honestly had just felt like we had had some great food and great family time, but not like it had been Thanksgiving. I have been SO BUSY to STOP and really enjoy the holidays. To STOP and really think about why I'm scrounging around to buy all these gifts and make all these cookies. Why am I doing all of this?

This morning, I was making bread, waiting for cookies to come out of the oven, filling out Christmas cards, emailing and helping with Randol's schoolwork-All at the same time, of course. I had gotten this grand idea to email folks I knew on Facebook and get their addresses so I could send them a Christmas card. I was overwhelmed by how many people wrote back and how fast they were, in their response. These were mostly people I know, but don't really talk to very often. Facebook is a great way to quietly keep up with folks. It's kind of sad in a way. I can know so much about people I haven't seen-or really talked to in years...all through Facebook.

Ok, enough soapdish talk, let me get back to where I was. So, I was getting lots of emails from folks I hadn't heard from (and who hadn't heard from me) and a few of those folks mentioned reading my blog recently and something that I'd said, had meant something to them. Wow. That's all I could say. It made me remember the following post and how I'd never finished it and how I need to make my writing more important. Here were people God had reached, through me and I never even knew it. How many more could He have touched, but I didn't take the time to write?

So I went back to this post to do a final read through with the goal to finally post the thing. By the time I got to the end, I almost laughed at what I read. Here I was, the day after I'd bought some presents for people I really didn't need more presents for, all because I was in "Christmas Panic" mode of fearing I wouldn't get all my shopping done. Here I was, all wrapped up in the baking and shopping and Christmas cards and all the DOING that I had forgotten the WHY of what I was doing. God used my own words to give me a slap in the face that forced me to wake up!

Talk about eating your own words, as the saying goes! So here you go, five weeks later, I get this to you. I really pray you'll be blessed and if you're like me worrying about finishing that very long to-do list, you'll remember the Reason for the Season.

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My parents recently returned from a trip of a lifetime on a Holy Land cruise in the Mediterranean. We keep kidding my mom who took 1700 pictures of their trip! Wesley kept telling her, "I don't need to go to the pyramids now. Anytime I want to go to Egypt, I'll just come look at your pictures!" (Anyone want to ask where my love of photography comes from :)

Now while I was not there to actually experience everything first hand, I couldn't help but being moved by what I saw and the stories I heard. Out of all the amazing places they went, I was most fascinated by the pictures of the Sea of Galilee and the roads where Paul walked in Ephesus. A lot of what they saw is debatable. For example, how do they know that was the real rock Jesus stood on when He did the miracle of the loaves and the fishes? Is that really the marble slab they laid Jesus body on when they took Him off of the cross? How do they know these things? Did some guy store it in his backyard for hundreds of years until 300 A.D. when some man proclaimed what the rock was?

But then there is much that is not debatable. There is only one Sea of Galilee and we know from God's Word that that is where Peter walked on water and that Jesus calmed a terrible storm. There is only one Jordan River and we know that Jesus was probably baptized in its waters. There is only one Garden of Gethsemane and we know that Jesus went there to pray, even on His last night before His death. These things, are not debatable. To look at the scenery that Jesus once looked at is fascinating to me. I'm sure things have changed, but when you look out into that wide open water with the mountains in the distance, to know He once was there; to see bits and pieces of the town He grew up in, played in and walked along telling others about His Father in Heaven, it really puts my life in perspective.

God in the flesh, on this earth, walking, eating and sleeping just like we do now. He was real and He really lived and died for you and me. Recently while studying 1 Thessalonians, I came across a verse that I cannot get out of my head. In 5:10, it says, "He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with Him."

The whole reason He died is so that He could be with us! Right now! We don't have to wait until we are in heaven to be with Him. How many times do I take that for granted? One of my pet peeves is when I talk to my children and they don't listen. I cannot stand it! So often the Holy Spirit is quick to remind me-I do the same thing to my Heavenly Father. He will tell me to do something and I will pretend I didn't hear or I'll be too busy to stop and listen to His voice.

But that is why Christ suffered on a cross...so that I could be forgiven and without sin and so that His Spirit (the Holy Spirit) can reside in my very being. How humbling is that thought? As we are in the midst of this Christmas season, I encourage you to reflect on that. Don't forget that there really was a baby who was sent to the be the Savior of the world. There really was a manger and a stable and a star shining bright in the sky.

He really lived.

Last Christmas it really struck me that without that tiny baby lying in a manger...there never would have been a cross. Calvary never would have happened and His Spirit would not be here with us today. We would still be under the Law that Christ's blood freed us from. Christmas is about so much more than lights and presents, it's about grace, sweet grace and the tiny baby that started it all.

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God...And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

Colossians 3:2,17

Picture #1: The Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. You can see the tiny prayers written and shoved in every crease of the wall. This is the last wall standing of the second temple, built after King Solomon's temple was destroyed.

#2: The Jordan River

#3: Sea of Galilee

#4: A view of the Sea of Galilee

#5 An amphitheatre where Paul preached in Ephesus.

#6: Mosaic walkway the dates back to Paul's day in Ephesus.

Having the Faith that I Won't Bust!

I graduated from college almost five years ago and since then I have pursued many jobs that would allow me to make an income and stay at home with my children (though none of which really used my degree). There was the "Hallmark Card lady" that I applied for, but every time I tried to submit my application, my computer would mess up and would not submit it. Then there was the time I started looking into working for the hospital and taking pictures of the newborn babies. Another time I started training to sell Rainbow vacuum cleaners. There have been a few other hit and miss opportunities where God has not just closed the door, He slammed them shut and locked the door. Now, looking back, I can see that He was teaching me patience and faith in relying on Him to provide for us. Now I know-He was waiting until the time was right to open the flood gates of blessings.

About this time last year I decided that I was going to start saving my money to buy a professional camera. I have always loved taking pictures and I thought, what better time to have a really good camera then now, when my children are small. I had always wanted one, but could never afford it. I got paid for working in the church nursery some and my dad gave me some money for my birthday. I saved it all in a drawer in my room. I had about $300, which was only about a third of the amount I needed. It was the end of November when I started to feel convicted to use that money for something else. There was a local organization in town who desperately needed people to sponsor families for Christmas. These were families who had nothing and would only receive the presents donated to them. It took me back to a time when I was one of those families. I wasn't so desperate that I couldn't buy anything for my child, but I did need help. My daughters name was added to a Christmas tree that stood in a local store. I remember how blessed I felt when I got my daughters gift. It was a stand up push toy that my children still have today.

Here I was, with this saved money that I desperately wanted to use for myself when I felt God calling me out, reminding me that this money really wasn't mine. I talked with Wesley about it and we decided to sponsor a family and use that money to buy the gifts. We chose a family that had a single mother with two daughters around our kids ages. What a great opportunity for our children to learn about giving. I was on a mission. I spent more time searching online and shopping trying to find the gifts this family wanted. I would call the mother, standing in a store and get her advice of what to buy. I developed a relationship with this sweet, struggling woman. She was a mother, just like I was, wanting to give the best to her girls. She had cancer and could not work due to her health. She lived in a neighborhood where she was in constant fear of being robbed or worse. Her brother lived with her to help keep her safe. It was a whole different world-all just a couple miles from own home. I knew that God was going to use us to show His love for her and to give her hope. I had no idea at the time that God would bless my obedience in ways more than I could imagine.

One morning, I was visiting my mom when I got a call from Wesley. He was driving home from work for lunch and he said he had great news. We got an extra check of his unused sick pay for the last three years! We were flabbergasted! This was so unexpected. I instantly thought that we would use this money to pay off our Visa account, but Wesley felt differently. He told me that he wanted to use the money to buy the camera I had always wanted. He said that we might not get the chance to have this kind of extra money to use for something like that. In reality, it might be ten years before I ever got that camera if I saved what small earnings I brought in. After praying about it and really making sure that it was the right decision, I spent hours researching cameras. Once I had narrowed my choices down to two, I went to Circuit City four different times, just to hold them, trying to decide which one to get. There was a difference in price between the two and I desperately tried to convince myself that I wanted the cheaper of the two. I would go back to that store and tell myself how great the less expensive camera was-which it is a fabulous camera, but it wasn't what my heart really wanted. Finally Wesley sat me down and said, "Marion, if we are going to spend this much money on a camera-get the one you want. Otherwise you are only going to want to buy the upgrade in a few years." What a fabulous husband I have! I was convinced and I ordered the Canon 40d. When it came in the mail I could hardly contain myself! Wesley gave it to me two days before Christmas. He was so excited! He had opened everything and charged the battery to get it all ready for me. He knew that I needed time to figure out how to use it before Christmas morning!

It was a Christmas like I had never experienced before. Since the camera was my one and only gift, I got to sit and simply enjoy watching my family open the gifts I had gotten for them. Usually I am trying to juggle taking pictures with opening my own presents, but this time I didn't feel rushed or stressed. I was so happy and content, soaking up every minute. The highlight of that day was when the mother of the family we had sponsored, called me. She let me listen to her girls squealing over their gifts. Both of them got on the phone to thank us for giving them a Christmas. My cup overflowed. I don't deserve His blessings, yet He freely gives them.

Since receiving my Canon, I have read every photography book in the Columbus library system and looked at so many different photography web sites I've lost count. No joking! Photography is about so much more than pointing a camera and shooting. It's about light, exposure, color and of course, being at the right place at the right time. It took me a long time to take my camera off auto mode. I was so afraid of messing something up. One small change of the settings will dramatically change a photograph. What if I pushed the wrong button? Finally I realized that it was silly for me to have this great camera if I didn't know how to use it. I might as well have saved my money and kept my point and shoot camera. I have taken some Photoshop classes and learned so much about editing pictures. I am always amazed when I learn how far the photography business has come in the last five years. I REALLY couldn't have afforded a professional camera and all the equipment they required, just a few years ago. Digital has really revolutionized the industry.

After nine months of learning and experimenting, and most importantly, LOTS of prayer, I've decided to start a side photography business. I have learned what it means to find something you love and then figure out a way to make money from it. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE photography. I would almost pay someone else to let me take their picture, I love it so much! I have had a few photo shoots over the last three months and I feel like a child on Christmas morning. I always pray that God will help me and be my guide. I struggled for a while, wondering if this was the path God had chosen for me. He has given me a love to write, but since getting this camera, my time has been spent more in photography than writing. I spent time in prayer, trying to surrender my own desires to find out His will for my life. What if satan was using this as a distraction from God's will of writing? Everyday I had a battle in my mind. It was as if I had a voice in my head telling me I wasn't good enough, I had to take more classes, practice more. I could never take as good a photographs as so and so. I was constantly beating myself up, telling myself I was not good enough to start a business. I was afraid that I'd look like a fool and be a laughing stock. My great friend Victoria reminded me that this passion came from the Lord and He can use my camera, just as much as He can use my pen or my keyboard to write. My mom mentioned one day how I've always loved colors and been good at picking out the different shades of something. I was only 13 years old when I picked out the carpet for my parents house. My mom would tote me to these carpet stores, asking my opinion. She would pick out a carpet sample and I could tell her if it had too much pink in it or the shade of brown wouldn't match the furniture. In junior high school I thought I might grow up to be an interior decorator because I loved colors so much. God reminded me that even from a child He was preparing me for this chapter in my life. There have been so many times that I'll be editing a photograph and I'll realize the skin is too red or I'll have to figure out the right adjustment of the shadows in the background. I can adjust each color in the rainbow spectrum in Photoshop. All of that love of color comes to play in my photography. I never realized that before my mom said it.

Every photo shoot I've gone on, I covered it in prayer, asking God to help me see through my lens and capture a photograph that the family can cherish years down the road. I also pray that if this is not God's will or His timing, that He'll show me. Every shoot I've done, my kids have been great, especially Samuel. That tells me something! I always worry that he'll cry the whole time I'm gone and be miserable (or make Wesley miserable!). When I'm on a photo shoot-he's been great! I have also been amazed at the people God has placed in my path; some who have been in the business for a long time and can offer loads of advice and knowledge and others who are just starting out and we are able to help one another. I used to think that it would be fun to deliver flowers. You'd get to see surprise and wonder, love and joy in the faces of those who opened the door. God has shown me that I can see all of that when I see my friends and family look at the pictures I've taken. I can give them a gift that will remind them of all the many blessings He has given them and in the end, I am blessed beyond measure because I am able to do something that I love and I'm passionate about.

I have learned so much hands on, these last few months. I soon saw that there is much more time involved than just taking the pictures, you also have to factor in the time spent editing and sorting through all of them. I will put my camera on fast shooting mode so I can shoot lots of pictures really fast, which is really great to use with small children. If I'm outside, I will often use a setting that will take pictures in groups of three, under exposing the first photograph, then over exposing it and lastly, using the normal exposure. That being said, I can easily end up with 200-400 pictures in a 60 minute shoot. It takes a long time going through that many photographs to see which ones to keep and which to discard. Then comes the editing process, which can take hours, depending on the photo session. I have learned a lot and I know that like it is with anything in life-it's a process and I'll continue to learn as I go.

I have spent hours looking up what photographers in the local area charge. I was surprised by how expensive it is. I had to ask myself if I would pay that much for someone to take my picture. I was talking to my sister who lives in Washington. She said her friend spent $850 just for a disk of pictures with the printing rights! Are you kidding me? $850 and you didn't even buy a single print yet? I could never in my right mind, EVER, charge that much. I decided to start out charging less than the average in this area and figured as I gain more experience, I can always work my way up (but never to that much :). I set out to create a web site and figure out what my overhead would be. I could hear my words come back to slap me as I had talked about how much money the photographer made for my brothers wedding. I had only been looking at the cost to print each photo and at the difference in what he charged. I slowly saw that there were more costs involved than I had originally realized. I was constantly asking the Lord to show me a sign that will let me know when to upgrade my current web site to the professional level, allowing me to be able to make my own prices for my photos. I know that it takes money to make money, but I struggle with how much money to pour into this before I know that I'll at least break even. Out of the blue, a woman that used to go to my church years ago saw some of my pictures on Facebook. She called me a few days ago, asking if I'd take individuals and a group picture for her son's soccer team. I'm taking that as my "sign" to move forward in this endeavor and we'll see what the future holds.

So here, I am, throwing myself out there. You can see my work at http://www.marionsphotography.smugmug.com/ or click on the link at the top of my blog. I decided I'd post some of my favorites from the recent photo sessions I've done. These are just a very small few of the photograph's that came from each shoot.

Little Abigail 4 weeks old

Little Abigail 3 months old

Sweet Wyatt

The Lostroh Family

The Beginning of a New Journey

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Ephesians 6:11-12

I should have known that dark clouds were coming. I should not have been surprised when the thunder started to roll, but I was.

It was an ordinary night the week before we left for the beach. I was washing dishes. Randol was clearing the table. Wesley was bouncing Sam on his knee. Will was pushing a car and making sound effects. Wesley gave Foster a high five and they cheered, counting down the days until we left for vacation. It suddenly occurred to me that I had not been anticipating our trip like I usually do. I usually count down until we leave and get so sad on our last day there, dreading the drive home and getting back into our normal non-vacation routine. As I washed our dishes on this particular night, I thought about how I was so content, so happy with this stage in my life that it didn't really matter to me if we were at the beach or in our own kitchen, as long as my family was there, I was happy and content. I think that at that moment, the wind started to slightly blow, the clouds started to come together and a storm started forming on the horizon.

We left a few days later and had a fabulous vacation. The kids were great, the drive was great, the weather was perfect, it was a week to remember. Then we came home. Two days later, I felt a depression starting to creep into every part of my soul. It was a blackness like I had never experienced before. For days I was on the verge of tears; just getting out of bed was a chore. I spent almost a whole Saturday in my room crying out to God, asking Him what was wrong with me. Was it my birth control? Was I about to start my period? Was I pregnant again (heaven forbid!)? What was wrong with me and most of all, how could I fix it? How could I go back to that night washing dishes and feeling so content? I read my Bible and God opened my eyes, this was not a battle of the flesh, this was a battle of the spirit. This was a war and I was the prime subject, walking around with a bull's eye plastered to my back. A few days later I started coughing, losing my voice and any strength I had to fight, was drained out of me. The cough creeped into my children and then my husband. And I knew-this was all related, my feeling depressed, us all getting sick, it was all related somehow.

Recently, my husband was nominated to become an elder in our church. When this whole process started and he was first nominated, he turned it down-saying he was way too young to be an elder. The pastor spoke with him and urged him to reconsider. For a whole week he spent time reading God's Word and praying about it. When that week was up, he came to me and said that he really did feel God was leading him to go through this long, hard process. He didn't know if he was to actually become one, but he did know that God wanted him to go through the process.

Amazingly, he got his humongous Elder packet the day we got home from the hospital after having Sam. It could not have been better timing. He had two books to read, a very detailed Sunday School lesson to prepare, and a long list of possible interview questions he'd be asked in the future, but God gave him a whole week home, away from the stresses and duties of work to do it. That was God's timing.

As the process wore on, it finally came down to having too many eligible men and not enough slots to fill. The Elder Selection Committee decided that they needed to cut the list down to seven men and then have the church vote again on the five men they thought should lead our church. Just as they did in the Bible, they incorporated a lottery system. What would you know-Wesley's name was drawn. This was no coincidence, this was no chance, this was God, calling out the names of the seven He wanted. The church voted and in order to be affirmed, you had to have a 75% approval from the church body. It wasn't the top five men out of seven, it was 75% approval. We were honestly wondering if anyone would get that much of a vote.

As our sickness wore on and we waited for the phone call from our pastor telling Wesley how the church voted, I knew that we were just entering a storm. The phone call finally came and with it was the news that he had indeed been affirmed by the church as a new elder. I wasn't excited, I wasn't relieved, I was worried. I kept thinking of the many conversations Wesley and I have had over not giving our children too much too soon. If we give them a huge gift at a young age, what will they expect when they get older? If God was calling Wesley at the young age of 31 to be an elder-what was His plan when he was 60? Satan started to prey on my biggest fear-maybe God was calling Wesley out at a young age because he wasn't meant to live a long life. Ever since having Sam, I have moments of fear that I will lose my husband and be left behind with four children to raise alone. I know in my right mind that fear does not come from the Lord. His Word says that, "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7). But in those moments, I was letting fear control my mind, not the Word of God.


We went to church on Sunday and so many people came up to him saying, "Congratulations". I kept thinking, "Congratulations for what? For welcoming satan's army to attack us like never before? Congratulation's for taking on a role that will inevitably have people saying bad things about the love of my life, over lunch?" I had turned this heavenly opportunity into an "All About Me" session. I felt like we had been sitting in a dark room full of people and now a bright spotlight was shining on us for all to scrutinize. It was as though a weight pressed down on me, only I was weak, too weak to carry around such a huge burden all day. I should have realized that it was not a burden I was meant to bear alone.

Monday night Wesley had his first meeting with the Elders. When he got home, we sat and talked for two hours. I cried telling him how burdened I'd been feeling. I had realized that satan was trying to get to Wesley through me. Our house is Wesley's safe haven that he looks forward to all day after being at work all day. If satan could cause problems at home, it would devastate him. We talked about all the areas in our lives that we are most vulnerable for attack and more importantly we talked about what God's word says about fighting these battles.

I felt 110% better. We were on the same page and we both agreed that though this new journey will be anything but easy, it is God's will for us and to do anything less than that would be a sin. We don't serve the Lord because it's easy, we don't follow Him because it's the "cool" thing to do. We do it even when it is hard because we know that He is there walking along side us. I know now that whenever Wesley's elder term is up, our marriage is going to be stronger and our faith will have refined by the fire and we will be better prepared for whatever task comes next. What a blessing and a privilege to serve our God!

God really opened my eyes to the spiritual warfare going on all around me. There was one morning that I could envision satans army literally staked out my front door. Wesley was leaving for work, he kissed us all goodbye and was about to walk out the door when he suddenly went and sat down, holding his head in his hands. He couldn't speak for about five minutes. I was worried when he couldn't answer my question of what was wrong. When he could finally sit up again and speak, he said that right before he went to step outside, he suddenly felt nauseous and bile crept into his mouth. If he didn't sit down, he knew that he was going to throw up. That has never happened to him before. I don't believe in coincidences and I know that God was at work, even though I may not understand how.

Last night Wesley had another meeting. Just before I went to bed, I started reflecting on this past week. I thought about how much better I felt after this meeting than I did just four days before. A very small part of me started to wonder if maybe I had just been emotional and over dramatic and maybe there wasn't a battle going on at all. We had gone to bed much later than we usually do so it didn't take me long to go to sleep. I woke up at 2 am, just coming out of a dream. In this dream I had been peering over the shoulder of one of satans men. This soldier was more like a creature than a man and I was looking into a scene, while they were completely unaware of my presence. This creature was holding the picture of another Elder family, calling his troops and sending them to go attack this family. Once the troops left for their mission, he put down their picture and picked up one of my family and called more troops. Just as he was about to give out orders, I slowly faded away and suddenly I woke up. I had this eery feeling that I had just witnessed something that could be more than just a dream. Whether it was or not, I'll never know, but I do know this-I got the message. I hadn't been making things up, this battle was real and just because I'd had a few good days, didn't mean it was over!

Everyday we are fighting a battle-even when we don't recognize it. We are an enemy to the evil one and he will not rest or grow weary at trying to stop God's will from being accomplished. It is important to really examine your life and look at the areas you are most vulnerable in. Don't miss the areas that you feel most comfortable in either, because satan is smart, he doesn't always attack and show up where you think he will. So often we get content in our lives, like I had become that night washing my dishes. It becomes easy to just live our life day by day, anticipating the weekend and we forget. We forget that we are not meant to live day by day with our own agenda, we are fighting a spiritual battle and the heavenly realms depend on YOU. God is counting on you to accomplish His plan for your life. Don't get so content and in a rhythm that you forget that. Open your eyes and ask God what His will is for this day. He has a plan and a purpose, don't miss it!

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6:13-18