A Journey Filled With Grace

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I had mentioned a while back that I was working on my testimony. It has taken much longer to do than I first expected. Sharing some of my darkest secrets and the worst times in my life, is not something I want to just post on the web for anyone to read. This was an act of obedience and of faith. I spent a lot of time in His word, making sure that I was saying what He wanted me to share. I meant to post this last weekend, but with the possibility of the baby coming much sooner than expected, my life was thrown into baby overdrive! That being said, instead of changing a few of the details and taking even longer to post, I decided to post it as it is. For instance, my daughter's birthday was not last week, but two weeks ago and I'm obviously not pregnant with my fourth child anymore, but now a mother of four children! Please bare with me, open your heart and I really pray you will be blessed. This is my gift to Him this Easter weekend. I pray He will use my life, even my mistakes, to draw others closer to Himself.
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Ten Years.

In some ways it feels like it was yesterday and in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago. So much has changed, all for the better. There was so much to celebrate in addition to my daughters birthday, this past weekend. Her birth is only the beginning of the story.

Sadly, I don't remember how I felt when I was pregnant or what it was like to hold her as a baby, but I do remember the sweet little girl with golden pig tails and big blue eyes. I remember going shopping and getting up to the register with clothes I never put in the cart. She'd look up at me and say, "It's cuuute!" and I'd realize that she had been putting things in the cart when I wasn't looking. I remember playing hide and seek and seeing her legs sticking out from under the bath towels as she thought her whole body was covered. I remember the little girl who would play dress up. Every Single Day. And who would sometimes trade in her pink princess dresses to play army men with her "Uncle Jackson". I remember eating Zaxby's the night before she started kindergarten and her talking about all the friends she knew she was going to make. I remember walking down that long hallway after dropping her off on her first day of school and Welsey leaning over, putting his arm around me and saying, "Well, our daughter's fine, but how's her mama doing?" as I fought back tears. I'll never forget when she was six and found a caterpillar in the yard and named it. I was a mean mama and wouldn't let her bring it into the house. After dinner she went to go check on it, and found that tragically the ants had been eating dinner too. She cried and cried. It was the first caterpillar funeral I ever attended. Her heart for animals has always been so strong and tender. I remember at a book fair at school, the only books she wanted were snake books-which I am horrified of. After trying to get her to want some cute puppy dog books, I realized that if books about snakes was what she wanted-at least it was educational and I should encourage her to learn-even if it's something I'd rather not learn about! Lucky for me, the one fascination of hers that has stuck since she was four, is her love for horses. She has read every horse book she can get her hands on, she draws them, writes stories about them and even dreams about them. I am starting to think that it might not be a phase, but apart of who she is.

Ten years. It goes by in a blink, yet, so much has changed in that short amount of time.

I will always look on her birthday in a different way than my other children. Her birthday is a yearly reminder of where I was and how far God has brought me from. You see, my sweet Randol wasn't conceived by two loving and wedded parents. I was only 18 when I found out I was pregnant with her. I was a week away from going to freshmen orientation at the University of Alabama. I was to be starting the most exciting part of my young adult life and I traded it all in for a moment of pleasure and stupidity. I'll never forget how I felt standing on my parents front porch to get away from the listening ears of my younger siblings to tell my parents that I indeed would not be going to college and why. I will always remember my dad saying, "What do you mean you're pregnant?" in a stern, but very confused and sad tone of voice. I knew that I had broken the hearts of the two people I loved the most. And it was too late to go back and change it. I had gone from growing up in the same church my whole life, accepting Jesus as my Saviour as a child, being a leader in my youth group...to being another teen pregnancy statistic.

Six weeks later, I married my boyfriend on our three year dating anniversary. The next two years I moved around and followed him where ever the Air Force would send us, which happened to mainly be Texas and Utah. We went to church once or twice, but we were not ready to give up the life of sin we were in, to follow Christ. We drank and smoked a lot. We said words we should never say and did things that are just shameful. We fought. A lot. Angry, violent kinds of fights. It was a very unhealthy relationship, especially towards the end. Things went from bad to worse and before I knew it, I was 21 years old, loading up a UHaul to drive across the country, back home to Georgia.

I became a single mother, sharing a room with my two year old daughter in my parents house. Not exactly how I'd pictured my life to be when "I grew up". My mother made me go to church every Sunday where people would ask where my husband was. After weeks and months went by, they realized-I wasn't leaving. I wasn't home for some short visit. I was here for good. And he wasn't.

When I got back home so much time had gone by, day after day, sin after sin, that I had convinced myself that I was out of the reach of God. My self esteem was so low that I truly thought God could never love someone like me. Ever. In addition to all the sins we had both committed before and during our marriage, I was now divorced-the Bible says God hates divorce. I did all kinds of research, finding verses that said if a man marries a divorced woman that he is an adulterer. Satan used those few verses to cloud my judgement and make me forget the Bible verses about His unconditional love. Or about all the stories in the Bible of how God used sinful people, just like me, for His good. I really thought I'd be a lonely, single mother my whole life. I had no idea what wonderful plans God had in store for me.

I started college and more importantly the following summer, I started a short summer Bible study. There was a lady whose husband was stationed at Ft. Benning for only a year. She immediately got plugged into our church and started teaching. She used to say that she didn't understand why God would move their whole family for only a year. As the weeks went by, I knew why God had brought her to my church. That summer changed my life. Forever.

As a child, I had been saved and baptised and I had lived the "good" life up until my junior/senior year of high school, then I started on a downhill spiral that never really stopped. Until that faithful summer. I was still really struggling with the thought of being divorced. My mother told me that she didn't think getting a divorce was part of Gods will for my life because she didn't think it was part of His plan for me to ever get married in the first place. That sunk in to the very depths of my soul and I realized she was right. At the young age of 18, I was only trying to "fix" my mistake and I only made a much bigger and harder mistake by getting married. Don't get me wrong, I did love him, but I never would have married him if I hadn't been pregnant. God had so much more planned for my life than I could have ever imagined.

In that summer Bible study, we came to Zephaniah 3:17, "For the Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will quiet you with His love and rejoice over you with singing." We watched a Beth Moore video that day and Beth described that verse like this. Just as a mother cradles her child and rocks them back and forth, comforting them, God longs to do the same for us. He longs for us to crawl up into His large, lap and call Him "Abba, Father" and let Him sing us a lullaby, quieting our pain and our hurts with His love. I realized that day-that is what He'd been trying to tell me all a long. "Just crawl up into my lap, Marion. I love you more than you will ever know and I will walk beside you. Repent and be forgiven. Your sins, no matter how great, will be as far as the east is from the west. But it's your choice, I have already chosen you, will you choose to return to Me?"

That night when I got home, it was late and everyone was asleep. I remember it was raining hard outside and I could hear the drops hitting the roof and the window. I got down on my knees and prayed. I remember my face was crammed into the carpet as I felt I couldn't bow any lower before my King. Sobbing, I asked Him to forgive me and I crawled up into my Abba's lap. I was so unworthy of His love. Outside, as the rain washed away the dirt and grime of the earth, He washed away all of my scarlet sins and when I stood up, I was as white as snow. In Luke 15:7, Jesus says, "I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." I know there was a party in heaven that night!

That was the beginning of the life I know now. It just so "happened" that that summer I also ran back into Wesley-a boy from my youth. He had just started dating someone at the time and I wasn't looking for a relationship AT ALL, which was a perfect combination for both of us. I started going to the College group at church and we became friends again. We'd go to lunch or email and just share as friends what was going on in our lives. As months went by, the relationship he was in ended and we started to fall in love. I fought it. With all of my being. He was so perfect and such a great guy. He was everything I'd ever wanted, but never felt I deserved. The battles of insecurity came back as I'd tell myself how he deserved better than me, he deserved someone without a child and without a past.

But he didn't want anyone else. He loved me and Randol. I had come full circle. This boy I knew as a youth had turned into a man over the years I had been gone. He was the same boy who used to come to my house when I was only 13 and play Axis and Allies with my father. The same one who found an old journal from when he was only 15 years old and in it-he'd written about a crush he had on a girl who would ten years later, become his wife. He was the same boy who would run to my house to visit me, only for me to be embarrassed to come out and instead he'd stand outside and talk with my mother. If I only I'd known then, that the same guy who would give my brothers and sisters piggyback rides up my street, would do the same with our own children!

As time went by, I realized that all the effort to convince myself that I wasn't good enough for him couldn't change the fact that I couldn't live without him. God opened my eyes and helped me to see just how special I was and that it was His plan for us to be together forever. It had nothing to do with what I did or did not deserve. He was a gift, sent from heaven and the neat thing is, he felt the same way about me.

The night he proposed on my parents front porch, he said something I'll never forget. On one knee, holding my hand he told me how much he loved me...and my daughter. He promised to take care of both of us and to be the daddy she'd never had, to love and adore her as his own. So much time has gone by now that we have both forgotten that she isn't his by blood!

Six months later, we were married in the church we first met at, so long ago; the same one we still attend today. The day of our wedding, as we were standing at the alter saying our vows, the sun light came through the church windows. It was like a heavenly spotlight shining only on us. I remember my friend who was in charge of the lights and audio told me that she had nothing to do with that light! I will never forget feeling God's smile and blessing our marriage right from the start. I stood there feeling as clean and pure as my white wedding gown. God created us as one and I knew that we were destined to do great things for Him. Once again, God had much more planned for Randol and I's lives... and now Wesley's life, than we ever could have imagined.

Wesley and I recently celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary in December. I never knew marriage could be so easy. We have our days and our moments, but from the start we have always put the other one before ourselves and that has made all the difference. Some wise person once told me that marriage isn't about giving 50/50 to your spouse. In order for marriage to work, you must be willing to give 110% to him, leaving out nothing, and he must be willing to do the same. I would do anything for that man. He can melt my heart in one look. I mean it when I say that I go to bed every night thanking God for giving me such a gift. I never knew that love and marriage could be so wonderful-when it is the kind of institution that God has ordained. When the Lord is at the center of your marriage, everything else just falls into place. I cannot even begin to tell you all the ways the Lord has used us together in these five short years, to help further His kingdom. What a blessing and a privilege.

I have been forgiven and redeemed, but there are still times when I will pay the consequences for my past. One of my most hated questions is when someone asks me how long we've been married. It turns into a time line thing. Five years, but our oldest child just turned twice that amount, somethings not right. I get protective of Wesley. I want them to know that it was me-not him who had a child and messed up. I want them to know that we did not have a child together before we were married. We did things God's way and waited until our wedding night. I want them to know that he is every bit as full of integrity and honesty as they thought. It was me. Not him. In this sad day and age of divorce being a norm, I will usually answer with, "I was married before," or if I feel led, I will share with them my story. One day my other children will inevitably ask why their older sister is in some of their parents wedding pictures. It will be a consequence that will always follow me for the rest of my life.

But God has shown me that instead of looking at it as a bad thing, I should look at it as an opportunity to share what He has done in my life. I should not be ashamed of what brought me back to Him. I should proud of the daughter He inevitable gave to Wesley and I. I smile at how good the grace of Jesus is, when people tell Wesley all the time how Randol looks more like him, than like me. She acts more like him, has his allergies and his mannerisms. It is a God thing. She is every bit his child. It goes way beyond the adoption papers he signed six months after we were married. Way beyond reason. It goes back to God.

Over the last eight years this scared, 21 year old who thought she'd never get remarried or have more children, is now married to a deacon and Sunday School teacher and leader in our church. She has two healthy boys and is due any day now with a fourth child. She is loved and honored and cherished, not just by her Heavenly Father, but by her earthly husband. God has much more planned for her than she ever could have imagined.

Without my past, I would probably not love my Sweet Jesus the same. I had to go through the muck and the mire to find out that you can never go so far that He cannot reach you. If He can find Jonah in a whale, He can find you in whatever pit you have gotten yourself into. The Bible says that He will redeem your life from the pit and will crown you with love and compassion, satisfying your desires with good things so that your youth will be renewed (Psalm 103:4-5). He loves you so much that He sent His One and Only Son to die for you (John 3:16). There is no where you can go or nothing you can do, to lose that love. I pray that if you have walked in the same shoes that I have and you feel like you have gone too far for Him to care, that you will simply turn around and quit running. Turn around and start over. Get on your knees and ask for forgiveness and then thank Him for loving you so much to turn your insides of blackness, to pure white snow. You hold the keys. In Joel 2:25, God says that He will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten. Let Him restore you and forgive you for all the years that the locusts of sin has taken from your life. It's never too late to start over. He's standing there waiting for you to simply turn around. Will you?

You may identify more with my life now, 10 years later, forgiven and restored. I pray you will use your testimony to reach out to other people. Your testimony is simply where you were before you met God and where He's brought you from since that moment. I can remember a time that I was asked to speak to the youth in my church on a Wednesday night. There were roughly 150 or so teenagers there, many of which I had babysat as a youth. In preparation for what I was going to say, I had searched and searched in book after book to find what God wanted me to share. All the while I knew, He wanted me to share my story. I'll never forget sitting outside the youth room, listening to the loud music and the teenage chatter. My heart was pounding and I was almost in tears. I sat there litterally begging God to release me from sharing my deepest secrets to a bunch of teenagers. I kept telling Him that I couldn't do it. I almost ran out of there.

Then it was my turn. I walked up to that microphone and all fear and trembling ceased. My mouth openned and He gave me the words. And I did it. I have learned that just like with this blog post of sharing with you right now, when He calls you to do something, He will equip you to do that task. It may be as simple as equipping you with courage or strength. All you need is the faith to trust Him and take that first step. I have been humbled at how many military wives or divorced women or mothers with teenage, pregnant daughters or mothers of young children, God has brought into my life to minister to. I am still amazed at how God can take something so ugly and so shameful and turn it into something so beautiful. Let Him do that with your life.

Many of you reading this may have never experienced a life of sin like I have, but there is another "pit" you may have fallen into, a pit of pain. Sometimes things happen in life that hurt so badly that we live our whole lives trying to get over it, or learning to live with it. It could be a loved one passing away, an illness, a divorce or some event from your childhood. It could be a battle of infertility or a horrible accident with lifelong changes. Whatever it is, you have written God off and have chosen to live your life without Him. I don't know why these things happen, but I do know that He longs to hold you and wipe your tears away. He is waiting for you to cry out to Him and let Him take your pain. You don't have to keep living day to day, struggeling to survive and dreading to get out of bed. Isaiah 43:1b-2 says, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned..." Turn to the One who can comfort you and who will carry you through lifes pains and sufferings.

No matter where you are in life, living for the Lord is a choice and it's not always an easy one to make. It sounds so much easier to go about life on your own, doing what you want, when you want. BUT... He has SO MUCH MORE planned for your life, than you ever could have imagined!!! Jesus said in John 10:10, "A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, a more and better life than they ever dreamed of." (The Message) Jesus came to this earth, not so you could just survive day to day, but so that you could have a life beyond your imaginations. A life spent in a relationship with Him which will never end, not even in death. Don't believe the lies that satan has told you. Don't let the evil one steal, kill and destroy your joy. Let today be your beginning!