The Rollercoaster of Female Emotions

I wanted to apologize to all of those who saw that woman standing at the end of the walkway outside the Children's Church room, with her head down and tears streaming down her face. You saw her and wondered who she was, in the midst of her red face and puffy eyes. You might have said a small prayer for her as you passed her by. You knew she looked familiar, but couldn't quite place her. Then she lifted her head from talking on the phone and saw that...it was me.

Wednesday was rough. No other way to explain it. I spent my WHOLE DAY trying to decide if I could fly out to Massachusetts to go to my grandfathers funeral. I was up, I was down, I was going, I was not going. Oh, my goodness my poor husband! I'd talk to him on the phone and say I definitely wanted to go and then five minutes later I'd be saying I didn't want to go. My children picked up on my vulnerability and cried all day, fighting and complaining and they continued to break me down even more. I was in constant prayer, asking the Lord to give me an answer, to show me if it was His will or not, that I go. Finally at 6:45 pm, sitting in the car in the Publix parking lot, I called to make my reservation.

Within 5 minutes, I had arranged to take myself and my 12 month old son on a 10 hour day to Detroit and then on to New Hampshire. The moment I was off the phone with the Northwest Airlines agent, I knew my answer-it was a mistake. My whole day had been a battle of wills-God's will versus mine. I was trying to figure things out in my own human capacity to where I could go. I got childcare and groceries for when I'd be gone. I had meals set up for their dinners so Wesley wouldn't have to worry about cooking. I had everything set to go, but my heart wasn't in it. I knew that it wasn't God's will for me to go. All day it had been staring me in the face and I failed to see it-because I didn't want too. My eyes filled with tears and started to pour down my face. I called my sister who I was supposed to fly with and I told her I just couldn't do it. I surrendered my will and gave it over to God. I trusted Him with my heart and my pain and I released it all. I quickly called and canceled my flight and felt the burden relieved from my shoulders for the first time all day.

Shortly after this, I had to go pick up my 9 year old from Wednesday night church and my mother called while I was sitting in the parking lot. Suddenly, I was crying again at the sound of her voice on the other end. I told her I couldn't figure out why I was so emotional. She laughed and said, "Your not pregnant are you?" as I smiled in return, I told her I had wondered the same thing! After getting off the phone with her, I saw a few of my close sisters in Christ. These are the kind of women you want to see when you feel your heart exploding inside your chest, and tears are running down your face. I felt like an idiot, but I knew they loved me just the way I was. After getting much needed hugs and being prayed over, I felt much better.

After I made it home (and after I made sure to take a pregnancy test, to which I cried "Hallelujah" then I saw it was negative!) My poor husband was trying to see the logic of it all. He was trying to figure out how I went from saying I wanted to go, to canceling tickets and knowing I definitely wasn't supposed to go. I smiled up at him and reminded him that female emotions have no logic involved at all! Then he looked at me and smiled and said, "Well Marion, you just lost your Grampa two days ago and he was a huge link to your Gramma. No wonder you're so emotional," and it hit me, that's what it was. Grampa always reminded me of Gramma and I could feel her smile when he was in the room. It was as if a part of her was there. Now that part is gone, and I was mourning not just his death, but also her death, all over again.

You never know how you'll feel and what emotions will come your way when you lose someone you love. The Lord has blessed me these past two days with peace of mind. I feel like a whole new person! I was reminded in my bible study this morning that the Lord even knows when a sparrow falls-He definitely knows what is going on in my life! How blessed I am to have a Savior who loves me so much.